"If I had done this... she wouldn't have died," the trap of counterfactual thinking

If you have experienced loss in any way, it is likely you may have been overcome with thoughts like:

"If I had done this, she wouldn't have died."

"If the doctor did this...

"If we had known this...

If she wouldn't have done that..."

Psychologists call this, "counterfactual thinking."

It involves thinking of our real or imagined role in contributing to the death of a loved one. This results in an infinite amount of "what if's" that flood us and take our minds captive.

Here is what I wish I knew sooner about this::

This can be a form of self protection and it can keep you stuck.

As we continue to focus on the number of alternative situations that could have happened, we distract + numb ourselves to the reality of what actually did happen.

The painful, heart breaking truth: our loved one is gone.

Even though counterfactual thinking is actually painful and causes us to live with chronic guilt and shame, our brain seems to prefer it over the actual truth.

The habitual rumination of counterfactual situations allows us to have some control in the situation.

Believing we have control, makes the world feel less unpredictable.

Identifying counterfactual thinking is important because it can often keep us stuck in a stress cycle and lead to spiraling + constant rumination.

This post is not meant to take the place of actual therapy, but I wanted to shed light on a few things I have witnessed help my coaching clients and myself aside from talk therapy:

• Notice and naming: Simply noticing and naming what you are doing and bringing awareness to it, helps pave a new pathway in your brain.

• Remembering + honoring the power of the mind body connection: Rumination + counterfactual thinking is worsened when your body is dealing with physiological stressors (missing nutrients, blood sugar imbalances, shallow breathing, etc). One simple way to honor this is to tune into your breathing + focus on deep breathing for a few minutes.

• Brainspotting: I have personally witnessed clients who have been struggling with guilt, shame, + counterfactual thinking overcome this with Brainspotting sessions. Brainspotting is a beautiful somatic method to integrate into healing from grief because it uses your bodies own intuitive ability to bring to light new ways of thinking about a situation.

• Applying self compassion: Compassion is a healing balm to a grieving soul.

• Reminding yourself of the promises we have in scripture: (I teach through how to do this while not spiritually bypassing yourself in my course Aligned + Renewed).

I have witnessed these actions help move someone from a place of rumination + counterfactual thinking, to eventual acceptance, which is my heart behind sharing alternatives. If you struggle with counterfactual thinking, I write this to let you know that you are not alone, this is a normal part of grieving, and there is hope to be found. I hope you find value in this <3