Church Hurt, Attendance, + The Mind body Connection

As a practitioner who has worked 1:1 with christian women for years, and studied the God designed body for over 10 years, here are some thoughts I have this morning regarding worship:

So many people often attempt to target things like “church hurt” and "worship attendance" by telling others they need to just “forgive, forget, and get over it” or “just be there no matter what.”

And this is a half truth.

Another part of that truth is that forgiveness and attendance happens both in our minds AND in our bodies. And we often separate our mind + bodies in a church setting, but it does us a disservice.

What if we targeted “church hurt” and "forsaking the assembly" through the lens of both the mind + the body, along with scripture?

Let me explain:

�As humans, our bodies have a nervous system that can detect safety + and un-safety. To some, after experiencing a ruptured relationship within their home congregation, when they attempt to return after a repair has been made, the environment they are returning to itself can become triggering because while the mind is attempting to bypass the hurt, the body does not forget.

This often causes the individual to develop physiological signs of unsafety as soon as they enter the building:

Sweaty palms

Racing heart

Hypervigilence

Paranoia (they are probably talking about me)

A desire to flee

And eventually leads to things like resentment and isolation.

This also makes listening to a sermon and staying after to seek social engagement with other members incredibly difficult (not impossible) because they feel so anxious. It is not impossible, but very difficult. Many people suffer this way in silence unable to describe what is happening. This is not an excuse to not attend and not an excuse for them not to "go to their brother to reconcile" so if that thought arises and you become immediately defensive to my words, I want to encourage you to pause and keep reading.

Here is another thing to consider: many people complain that people now have the habit of just sitting at home and watching worship through live stream. But something else to consider, with compassion + curiosity is that it was not too long ago that we asked people to be isolated for a long time (Some congregations even refused entry to people who refused to get a certain injection or wear a mask). And some have not addressed this issue and just expected people to sweep it under the rug or just forgive and forget.

�So now, when people have been attempting to go back into large settings without taking their nervous systems + bodies into consideration, they arrive to the conclusion that they have a new onset of social anxiety. This makes entering public settings especially hard. So the default is to seek safety + isolate (again this does not make it right, but it is what often happens and something to consider besides being "too lazy or undevoted to attend services").

This happened to me when I had cancer and went through chemo. I developed social anxiety and felt anxious when I left the house and physical symptoms came up I did not know how to deal with at the time (shaky hands, shutting down in conversation, racing heart rate, sometimes it was even hard to breathe). It was very tempting to isolate to feel safe. But I learned I had to take both my mind + body into consideration. I also learned pushing myself into burn out was not the solution either (and this is often common among church leaders missing the mind body connection, but an entirely different topic for another time).

Another example: Grief also adds in another dynamic.

Ill use myself again as an example here:

I remember trying to step foot into my home congregation after my mom passed away and simply sitting in the pew I sat in with her was triggering for me. I tried to open hymn books and pay attention, I tried to tell myself God was good and to just push through, but often found myself with a huge lump in my throat and ending up out in the lobby to avoid being a distraction, while I sobbed in tears.

Here’s the thing though: listening to my church family sing hymns while I couldn’t, was actually regulating and soothing and gave me a sense of awe in God. Our body finds singing (even birds singing) regulating + it promotes a sense of safety. Our body is also impacted by awe which often happens in a worship setting. There is so much science behind the importance of being in worship with our church family, so if you are avoiding it, I highly encourage you to reconsider. During that time, I could have (like many others) decided church wasn’t for me because it did not feel good. But I stayed and pushed through the pain, and eventually learned the power of lamenting + grieving biblically and grew in ways I am forever thankful for. This post is not excusing missing services or failing to repair relationships biblically, it is an invitation for both church leaders and members to rethink how we are viewing and approaching these issues.

Over the years, I have learned how to calm my nervous system prior to entering church service and after leaving. I have learned how to repair relationships with both scripture and the nervous system in mind. I have learned how to honor the mind body connection while I study scripture to avoid getting so distracted and I now watch the lives of women change around me by implementing the same techniques. I have watched women who once had panic attacks about returning to services, learn how to regulate their systems and become involved again. I have watched relationships be repaired and become stronger than ever, and for women to become brave enough to seek connection with other women in their congregation after years of being afraid or after past hurts. I have watched women who were hurt + deceived by church leaders almost give up on God, but relearn forgiveness + compassion through the lens of compassion + redemption and begin seeking Him again despite humans failing them. I have watched women who happen to be preachers wives, escape burn out and learn to lead from a grounded position. I have watched lives change + physical health improve with honoring the mind body connection.

Which is why I am so passionate about teaching about it and talking about.

Because here is another thing to consider: again after working with people of different generations for years, certain age groups + generations often in leadership today, often express they have a hard time connecting with their body + working through emotional pain because they were taught things like: “Be seen, not heard, big girls or big boys don’t cry, just put your big girl or big boy pants on, get over it and deal with it" and often indirectly taught to totally disconnect from their bodies because it was bad or sinful. So when it comes to healing or working through certain things, they have a lot to unravel first.

An example to consider (unrelated to worship, but actually shows how disconnected from the body people have become over the years because of certain experiences):

“finish your whole plate, I don't care if you are full” because children in Africa are starving, or because “I didn’t have that growing up.” A person who says this was usually raised by a caregiver who said the same thing and who often may have struggled to make ends meet growing up or were taught that a clean plate was a sign of respect (which is tradition not truth).

What this is saying today:"disconnect from what your body is telling you. I know your body is sending physiological cues of being full + of satiety, but ignore it, keep stuffing yourself because it is disrespectful based on my family tradition to leave food on your plate. Ignore the message of your God designed body, even if it makes your stomach hurt and leads to over eating, because I said so."

While that mindset may have been helpful for short term survival, long term, it is a small example of how important it is to consider certain ideologies, mindsets, and upbringings that are influencing your capacity to have a mind body connection, not only because it contributes to chronic disease but I am also using this as an example here because mindsets like this actually bleed over into our spiritual lives, worship settings, and how we approach relationships with other members. Or even how we lead. Being disconnected from our bodies can be a dangerous thing. (yes I know, focusing on it too much can also be dangerous, theres nuance and I cannot cover every single nuance in one post. I do have an entire course on this if you are wanting to dig deeper though).

Anyways, I hope this will be considered because it is both in line with the scriptures and written in our God designed physiology.

There is a way to honor our God designed bodies, the mind body connection, and also live in line with the scriptures. Perhaps it is time we start integrating the mind + body into worship + relationships. And to even take it into consideration when we consider common issues like church hurt, church attendance, forsaking the assembly, or even member participation, prayer posture, + evangelism.

Learn more about caring for your nervous system through a biblical lens here.